[Most people do not cheat on their own initiative, it's usually the other half who "pushed" them to cheat. If you are happy with her/him, you would never cheat. Period]

By Curt Smith

Dear Curt,

I just ended a six-month relationship because the person whom I believed to be the man of my dreams turned out to be a cheater. At this point in my life, I have given up all hope in men.

It's unfortunate, but six out of the eight men that I've dated were unfaithful to me. I must admit that being a victim of unfaithfulness is very stressful and has caused me a lot of pain. Regrettably, I've come to the same conclusion that most women already know: men cheat because they're pigs.

Curt, are men really just evil pigs controlled by their one-eyed monsters, or is there any hope in my ever finding a man who does not cheat? [Me, me... me no cheat. Me good... haha]

[There's actually a contradiction here. Nice guys finish last and if you don't cheat, you are a nice guy and you finish last. If you cheat, you'll finish first but people will call you a pig. Jennifer ended up with 6 cheaters and that proves not-nice guys do finish first more often than nice guys. Who's to blame? Blame the woman for always choosing the wrong ones or blame the nice guy for... well, being nice?]

Regards,
Jennifer, the pig herder

What goes around comes around

Jennifer, I have one question for you: Have you ever tried dating women? You'd be surprised to see that the grass isn't greener on the other team's playing field. As hard as it may be for you to fathom, women cheat too. So instead of making this a gender war or comparing one another to farm animals, we should seek to understand why people cheat.

How would you feel if I told you that your man cheated on you because you are an ugly, overweight, boring, lousy lover who can't get anything right and even though your man tried to make things work, your old-fashioned, sexually stubborn self never agreed to compromise? Ouch! That sounds pretty harsh. It's just a lot easier to call a man a pig.

The same applies to men. It is a lot easier for a man to call his adulteress ex-wife a bitch, than it is to admit that maybe she cheated on him because he spent more time with his friends at strip clubs, watching sports all night, playing video games, and masturbating to pornography.

Open your eyes

The problem is that sometimes people are quick to point the finger at others rather than analyze why the individual cheated. Maybe your own actions had a big role in pushing the other to the brink of temptation.

By blaming and labeling others, it inevitably hinders people from looking deeper into the problem and trying to resolve it before it recurs with another mate.

The common belief is, I'm not a bad person. I don't need to change, I'm not the one who cheated. The result is that the whole process repeats itself without being rectified, which is probably why so many men and women complain about having been cheated on in so many relationships.

So why do people cheat?

The answer is...

So if we opt to be monogamous, why do we ultimately cheat? The answer is quite simple. People do not cheat because they're pigs, sows, bitches, or dogs. It all comes down to two basic drives: the physical sexual drive and the emotional need.

People usually cheat because there is a conflict between their physical and emotional desires. By accepting and understanding [keyword: ACCEPTING. Some people would never accept they have problems. Sad but true] these shortcomings -- instead of ignoring them -- we can hopefully work harder to make sure that our partners are satisfied enough to resist any instinctual sexual urge.

A prisoner of your instincts

The question you have to ask yourself is which drive is stronger, and which one has a bigger influence in your life. In general, each person is different, but it is generally the physical sexual drive that dominates a person's actions.

Why? Because this drive has been present in human behavior for millions of years. Whereas the emotional monogamous need has only been around for a few thousand years, obviously a few thousand years of emotional needs will not overcome millions of years of one's evolutionary sexual drive.

Throughout history, men have argued that it is in their biological nature to desire multiple partners. Over time, we have evolved towards taking a partner in order to help raise our children and enforce a set of moral codes that contradict our stronger physical needs.

Humans are not monogamous by nature and when we ultimately choose to be faithful without the right conditions in place, we are setting ourselves up for failure and disappointment. [Here's a revelation; when a man say he has commitment issues, the problem is actually not with him. The problem is actually with the woman. If the conditions (read: the girl) are right with him, why the heck would he have commitment issues? "Commitment issues" is just a smoke screen, an excuse (a lousy one too). Give me my Santarina and try ask me if I have any commitment issues... hehe]

Once we can accept that 10,000 years of social monogamous behavior cannot supersede millions of years of physical evolution, only then can we learn to work around our weaknesses. [Why the heck did we evolve actually? Adam and Eve were happy walking around naked, why can't we do that too? God's creations are suppose to be admired. Why cover them up? How am I suppose to admire God's creation when I can't see it? Sigh...]

Beaver-built dams

We exist as human beings on two levels: with bodies (physical instinct) -- the stronger of the two (according to Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs) -- and minds (emotional needs). In order to understand how physical instincts and emotional needs interrelate, we need to make a few comparisons.

Imagine that the sexual physical instinct of a person (both men and women) is the sheer brute force of natural flowing water (one of the hardest elements to contain), and the only thing that can control it is a super dam. The dam represents the human's decision to become monogamous. It will only work if the dam's foundation is built strong enough. If there are any cracks or weaknesses, the "water" will eventual break through the "dam."

In short, humans have set very difficult (but attainable) objectives for themselves by choosing to be monogamous. Therefore, in order to contain our sexual drives, we need to ensure that the emotional support toward our lifetime partner is strong enough to keep our primitive instinctual urges from surfacing.

So what are these conditions that will keep the dam strong? In order to ensure a stable relationship, you must tend to all of the following reasons why people stray...

1. Physical Drive

• No longer finding partner sexy or attractive
  Try to stay in shape or at least maintain the same shape you had when you first met your partner. Working out together is a great way to spend time together while keeping each other physically fit and appealing.
• Sex may be readily available with another
  Do not deprive your spouse of his or her sexual needs -- even when you don't "feel like it" or have a headache.
• Current partner is unavailable for sex
  Try to avoid spending long periods of time away from one another. Being out of town on a business trip for a few weeks isn't so bad, but letting the few weeks become months will inevitably lead to temptation.
• No sexual variety
  Changing your sexual routine and ensuring an array of adventurous sexual delicacies will keep your partner wanting more and wondering what will be next, instead of thinking of someone else.
• Less sex
  The more sex you have and the more satisfied you are, the less likely you'll go out looking for more.

2. Emotional Needs

• No longer feeling accepted, desired by another
  You could be having all the sex in the world, but if you don't feel accepted, respected, desired, adored, loved, or worshipped, you will always be looking for that person who will give you all these things. And when that person comes along, you might be tempted by their warm, fuzzy fruit.
• The challenge is not exciting and boredom sets in
  The sex is fun, you're physically stimulated, but you are not emotionally stirred. And the whole mood, scene or companionship can become boring. Take part in exciting activities together in order to keep the thrill in your social life.
• Fulfilling something perceived to be missing in current relationship
  Just because you're satisfied, that does not mean your partner is. The only way you're going to know this is by communicating with one another. Couples should spend a few hours a week talking about their relationship, both the positives and the negatives. Remember, your doctor does not know that there is something wrong with you unless you tell him. How can your mate help if you don't discuss things?

There is no eternal bliss

When a person succumbs to temptation, they might forget what attracted them to their partner in the first place, and lose sight of the chemistry and infatuation they once experienced for that person. It is a delusion to believe that a relationship should always progress smoothly on the road to eternal bliss. However, focusing on the negative will lead one to perceive that they are so miserable that they seek to fulfill their needs elsewhere.

Cheating is simple; a relationship is more complicated. Cheating usually offers instant gratification, physically and emotionally. A relationship requires lots of maintenance. Giving it care and attention along with trust and communication will continuously help both people grow.

If you become involved with another person, you owe it to yourself and your spouse to be honest. Creating lie upon lie will only hurt everyone involved. Take a close look at your relationship before seeking happiness with another person.

Also, remember that the new person will require just as much maintenance. No matter how green the grass looks, eventually it will need to be grained, fertilized and trimmed or before you know it, you'll have weeds all over the place. Something to think about the next time that pretty girl at the office smiles at you, boys. Get it on!

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[In the end, we just wanna be happy.]