I am actually sticking out my neck here by writing this piece of crap. This crap actually makes me look “soft” and wimpy. But what the hell, as long as I am happy, nothing else matters.

Yesterday I had a chat with a friend. She asked me something and made me reflect on it. Why am I still single? Why am I not getting laid? (Not the exact words but something along the line). I laughed at it but I seriously couldn’t think of any comeback for that. So I just told her that perhaps, maybe I am gay. She asked me shove it and stop with the gay story already (she once believed that I was gay).

So I’ve been thinking. Why am I still single? To say that I can’t get a girl, I don’t think that’s the answer. I may not be the best looking guy but I know I am still capable of “conning” a girl *laugh*. So what’s the problem with me?

So after a few minutes of thinking (I think fast), I believe I’ve come to a conclusion on why I am the way I am now. I’m just worried. Worried that I might actually hurt someone. I am not a bad person nor am I an abusive asshole. I’m just a free spirit. A wild horse that’s hard to hold onto *laugh*. But I personally do believe that I am a very committed person but that is only if someone could get me to commit. True to a wild horse’s nature, he is hard to be tamed, but once you are able to tame him, the horse will stay faithful (I am now comparing myself to a horse, how sweet).

I’m a true Sagittarian. I would never hurt anyone intentionally and I don’t like to be hold down. It’s true that perhaps the one getting hurt might not be the girl but me. But I like said b4, women don’t upset me anymore. So I don’t really care much about myself if I get dumped but I’m worried on how the girl might take it if I happen to dump her? I know how it felt and it ain’t nice. I can’t be a jackass and wait for the girl dump me. That’s even worse.

Look in the papers and everywhere. Women attempting suicide and all when the guy left them. It’s actually quite scary. I seriously don’t think it’s worth it to make yourself suffer just because of a useless-no-good guy that never meant to be. I know that some women actually make themselves suffer just to make themselves feel better (whatever the logic is). It’s reasonable to be sad but making yourself suffer for months is crazy. And I can’t be the reason for a girl’s agony. I just can’t be that person (like I said b4, I am a very nice person ;)

In a relationship, a woman wants commitment, but I am not sure if I can give her that. I just don’t simply commit. When I commit, I commit, when I don’t, I don’t. There’s no in between. I know there are guys who “commit” in a relationship because of the convenience. The convenience of free sex. Even in marriage, some guys got married because they believe they can have sex anytime without paying (which is not really true actually).

So when I say that I am worried that I might hurt someone, I am referring to me commitment (lack of) and me wild horse nature. For me to commit, she has to have values (this is subjective, so I won’t explain). I used to think that, every time I like a girl, she’s the one. I see her as the “perfect” partner and that she is right for me and I want to be with her. But now, I realized that, I may need to go thru 99 failures/rejections before I get to the one. So from then on, every time I like a girl, to me she’s one of the possible 99 unless she can establish her values. I may sound like an ego-maniac but it’s true. You just can’t give someone the benefits of the doubt unless she has established her values in your eyes. And some of you may ask am I good enough to demand such things. Well, that’s her call, not mine. I always believe that I am good enough for anyone, anyone who knows how to appreciate good things *sorry, but I can’t help laughing at myself now. Background sound: laughing*

Someone suggested that I just forget about relationship. Just go out and have fun. Sure, I could do that. No strings attached and everything. But truth it, not all casual relationship is really “casual” especially for women. Some women have no problem with one night of raw uninhibited passion. But most of them tend to regret it after the deed is done. For women, sex is hardly just sex except for some.

So after thinking about it, maybe my friend was right. Perhaps I am indeed gay *laugh*. When I was in form 5, one of my teachers asked me at what age do I want to get married. I said 25. Finish SPM at 17, finish college at 21, work for 2 years (23) and then “pak tor” for 2 years (25) then kahwin. *I am seriously laughing while typing this*. So according to plan, I have 2 years left to find a girl to get married with. Or perhaps, I may not be getting married anytime soon *frown* (no, I am not thinking of marriage, just incase anyone of you didn’t get my bad sense of humor)

In the end, I think I’ve dug a hole so deep that I myself can’t climb up now, not alone at least. Having a good heart and conscience may not be a good thing after all.

Song listening to while typing the last paragraph: Sinead O’Connor – Nothing Compares To You. For some strange reasons, songs like this are growing on me lately. Especially this particular song, it gives out a warm calm soothing sensation.