Warning: This Is Long

Bought CLEO the other day. Started buying it few months ago since I got nothing better to read. At first I find the magazine to be really amusing. I practically treated it as a joke book, I read it for laugh (it’s seriously funny from a guy’s perspective or at least from my personal perspective). But I do have to say that some of the advices are really good except for those advices that have some feminist agenda to it.

It cost only RM 5.70 which is a lot cheaper than my FHM. But one thing about CLEO is the amount of advertisements; I think more than half of the magazine pages are pure ads. Women really have it good. They’ve got a whole bunch of products that they can choose from. They even have fruity flavored nail polish. I mean who cares how the nail polish smells, you just wanna remove the polish.

The second page, Lancome Juicy Tube ads, I really like the lips. The color, the shinny watery look. I really like the ad’s description [Lips look plump and good enough to eat]… really makes me wonder how it feels to “eat” it… hmmmm

Most of the users that CLEO asked for opinions and reviews are actually not pretty. I mean they look average. Maybe because this is a woman’s magazine so in order to keep the general women readers’ self-esteem in check, they refrain from publishing pretty girls. Page 46, lima lima pun tak lawa. Page 47, itu pun tak lawa. Page 54, also tak lawa, the third one kira ok la (2 stars). And Anna Sui, sigh, no need cakap.

And look at page 62, one of the reasons why I say women have it good in this world. With a few years more in the advancement of make up, I think there will not be a single ugly woman left in this world anymore. Look at the original pictures and the after-make-up picture. This is why I don’t really fancy women with make-up in general. It kinda makes me feel being cheated in a way *laugh* I prefer girls more with natural look, but then again, if a girl is not pretty, I guess make up is the only way to go.

If the Loreal Sheer Cashmere really works as good as how it looks on Natalie Imbruglia, I would seriously recommend it to any women. Her skin is seriously FLAWLESS. At it looks alluring, the velvet skin… it makes you feel like touching it. It might work if you want a guy to touch you *wink*

The next page to the Loreal Sheer Cashmere ad is the XIXILI ad, a lingerie brand. There’s this 2 female models in bra and panty. And both models have got small breast *chuckle* I guess this is smart from XIXILI, if they were to get big boob models, then it would probably deter Malaysian women from buying it since in general, Malaysian women have got relatively small breast *chuckle* You need to make the women feel good about themselves if you want them to buy your stuffs. Nice work XIXILI *grin*

I really love those stuffs on page 80 but too bad I’m not a girl. I just got this thing for fancy stuffs.

Maybelline Water Shine 3D Glitters, not nice, not in the ad at least. Lancome Juicy Tube looks better.

Page 102, users’ opinions, none pretty. Page 104, users’ opinions (men), satu pun tak handsome.

Page 117, exactly what I was saying earlier, Soshio’s Fruity Wipe Off. Who cares about fragrance when you just want to wipe of your nail polish. And those Vitamin E, Moisturizer and Protein, if you don’t want to damage you nails, then don’t polish. And the fact is, not all women actually look good with nail polish. Nail polish works best if you got a nice sharp pointy fingers and nails. If you’ve got short meaty fingers, why draw attentions to it?

Page 123, Wet ‘N’ Wild Moisture Rich Lipstick, not nice. Not shinny at all. The color cacat. And again, if a girl doesn’t have a nice shape lips, don’t use a striking color lipstick, skin color lipstick with a little contrast is good enough.

Page 133, I used to like Ruby Lin a lot, but lately I think she’s got a little plump on the face, or what they call baby fat. I like her better before.

Page 149, Extra Wrigley’s Chewing Gum. The blueberry one is REALLY nice.

Page 155, Charlize Theron is seriously not pretty at all. Take off her make up and you will see. She’d probably make a child cry without her makeup. Kate Hudson looks really pale in this shot, not nice but still she’s one of my favorites. I really like her bubbly personality. Jessica Alba rocks, I kinda like her shot in this one, especially the eyes. The kinda eyes where you darken the under side of the eyes (don’t know what they call in women language)

Page 177, even Marigold posted an ad in CLEO. Very impressive *laugh*

Page 184 – 188, the male model is seriously not good looking. Except for the fact he is a mat salleh who I think lives in Asia or Malaysia, he is seriously not “tasty”. His skin is way too pale and I think he’s gay (no, it doesn’t takes one to know one).

Page 190 – 192, not bad, facial product for guys.

Page 193, I seriously like this ad a lot. Brylcream (out-of-bed) Wax Stick. The ad actually objectifies women in a way but still it gets published in a women magazine. I guess they need to put something in for the male readers.

Page 204, NO!!!, one night with Jennifer Lopez is not the ultimate male fantasy. Her ass is WAY TOO BIG that it makes you wonder if it’s real, and who wants to be with a girl who gets married (and divorced) faster than a F1 car finishing a lap?

Page 211, Belinda Lee, she is really attractive, think if I can get into the cup with her? Hmmm… no harm fantasizing thou *laugh*

Page 213, like I said, some women without make up is not a pretty sight, celebrities included. Look at Britney Spears, she looks… ordinary, plain, average, like her music.

Page 216, now this is what I call beauty. Michelle Reis.

Page 242 – 247, 5 ways to melt his heart

1. Wear the color of love, pink. I do agree with this, women in pink are actually kinda nice. It makes them look kinda submissive in a way. But still that depends on the outfit. What the magazine suggests is actually very cool, tube top with miniskirt, nice match!
   
2. Wear a sexy scent. It suggested Chic by Carolina Herrera but I don’t know about that since I never smell it before. But personally, Ralph Lauren’s Romance is seriously very very nice. And Tommy Girl too. Others are nice as well but only a few that can really make a man’s heart skip a beat with just the smell. You don’t want it to just smell nice; you want it to “electrocute” a man’s heart.
   
3. Smile a lot. Very true but then again, some people just aren’t made to smile.
   
4. Be body confident. There’s actually a very thin line between being body confident and being a slut. Overdo it and you’ll probably cheapen yourself. Faking body confident and you’ll look like a robotic doll trying to flirt. Not everyone can flaunt those curves, even if they have killer curves.
   
5. Bat those lashes. Volumising the lashes are cool. But only if you know how to play with the eyes. Eyes speak a thousand languages. Side story: when I was small, I have this habit of looking people directly into the eyes regardless what they are doing, strangers included. I’d probably win a staring competition back then. Kinda freaked them out but I just can’t help it. But now, I look somewhere else *grin* Personally, dreamy eyes melt the heart every time.

Page 252 - 255, seriously, she might have the lips of Jennifer Gardner but get real. She’s not attractive at all. If they put her in a guy’s magazine I think they’ll get slammed from the readers. But on the other hand, maybe it’s different with women, they’d probably prefer to look at models less good looking than them so that they can say “if she can be a model, so could I”. Confidence booster I guess.

Page 260, ["I was so ready to get out of my wedding dress. For the whole reception I was like, when do we get to go upstairs?" – Jessica Simpson admits the sole thing on her mind during her wedding was losing her virginity] Need I say more? Ok, I don’t need to say more but I want to say more *laugh* She has this whole naïve thing going on with her that to a point where it actually annoys you. Girls who are a little innocent and naïve is adorable but too much is repulsive.

Page 263, man, now I can learn about periods too. Maybe I’d turn out to be a very sensitive man in the future *laugh*

Page 268, want to feel sexually charged, bursting with energy and flushed with confidence? Yoga is the answer (according to the article). I doubt it that it would works but at least you learn how to be physically more flexible which is not a bad thing *wink*

Page 272, 5 blatant lies about men.

1. We all have secret nick-names for our willies like Captain Action. Yeah, it’s a lie, not all have secret nick names for their willies, some isn’t a secret anymore *laugh*
   
2. Our orgasm is more important than yours. Yes, a lie. Men do care about women’s orgasm. The fact that men can orgasm easily makes it less important to us. Getting women to hit the peak is an art. An art all men should master, so women’s orgasm is more important.
3. We would all screw around if there was zero chance we’d get caught. Sorry to say guys, but this is not a lie. If there were zero chance of getting caught, then what’s the harm of screwing around? Not that anyone would know. I think there’s a slight problem with the sentence thou but still, if zero chance, I’d screw around but too bad that’s not the case.
   
4. We are all bastards. True and false. Not all men are bastards but all men will be a bastard at least once, one time or another.
   
5. We can’t tell the difference between sex and intimacy. True and false. We definitely can tell the difference between sex and intimacy but we just couldn’t care much about it *grin*

Page 274, they gave you websites to research Human Genome Project, Forensic Entomology and Forensic Botany. And also a description to “ping” (a network tool). If you read FHM, they’ll give you websites to see athletes getting knocked on the willies, science gone wrong, tetris for adults and also where to drink the best beer in the world. That’s the thing with guys, we’ll always be boys. We don’t need to act smart by reading Forensic Botany, we’re happy with seeing half-naked women after wining a level in tetris.

Page 276, the guy is really nerd looking. I mean I wear specs too but I don’t look like that (or do I?). And the way he answers those questions (he’s talking about his career, the column is called Career Focus) is boring. I wonder how he is going to get girls. I think he’d probably get a 35 years old lady since they put up less fuss about guys. Or maybe he’d get a girl with “nice personality” *chuckle*

Page 277, Ralph Spritz Blitz Body Spray. The design is really cute, like a water bottle spray. I wonder if it smells as good as it looks.

Page 285, Silky Lips ad. Seriously, those people behind this ad have got some serious issue. Those 3 models are probably going to make the company bankrupt. But then again, that is just from a male’s perspective. Not so good looking girls in a woman magazine might just work. But if they were to put this 3 girls in FHM, I’m going to write to them *laugh* But personally, these 3 models’ lips aren’t suitable for a lip product. Lancome Juicy Tube is still the best.

Page 290 – 291, the books they recommend are seriously boring. But then again, this is coming from a male’s perspective. At least FHM do recommend some interesting books like Computer Waiting Games, ways to combat suicidal tendencies during computer down time.

Page 292, I really think Anne Hathaway to be really annoying. It’s either she’s naïve or she’s really naïve. Or maybe that’s just the way she looks. I don’t know.

Page 295, Gillette for women. The truth is, I only know that women do have hair on their legs after I first saw an ad for hair wax or leg wax (whichever one) *laugh* I mean I never saw any girls with hair on their legs before, so how am I suppose to know?

Page 296 – 297, Kate Hudson. What a sight…

Page 300 – 302, Jon Passavant, the face of Estee Lauder’s Beyond Paradise Men. I really don’t think he’s hot or anything. Just a plain joe to me. Colin Farrell looks much better.

Page 304, 306, 308, 310. I really love reading all these Q&A regarding life, sex, men and medical. You get to laugh *chuckle*

Page 320. A page dedicated for artist. They write in their answers for some questions in their own handwriting. Since I know a little about handwriting stuffs, so I’m going to see what I can read from hers. This month’s artist is Maya Karin.

• Her handwriting show signs of her demanding varieties in her physical activities to satisfy insatiable physical desires. Sexually, she’s often creative and may be demanding as well.
  
• The physical drives are strong and deep. In a more interesting perspective, she’s got strong sex drives
  
• Her handwriting show signs of low self-esteem.
  
• She is secretive but not much.
  
• Her handwriting does indicate the presence of frustrations in areas such as relationships, exercise or sexual activities.
  
• She is blunt. She will be honest and blunt when asked for opinion.
  
• She has the ability to say things in a way that other people would want to hear. Can approach touchy subjects in a nice none invasive way.
  
• Her handwriting does show signs of being a cumulative thinker but it’s not really consistent so I can’t really say for sure.
  
• She could be sarcastic thou but then again, not to the extreme
  
• This is from the overall handwriting style: she’s ruled by judgment, meaning ruled by head and not heart, hardly shows emotions and objective. Withholds emotions.

Btw, this is just my personal interpretation of her handwriting. Her actual personality and what I perceived from her handwriting may vary.